Roombas should bark
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customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
If giants aren’t real then explain the 12 foot skeletons at Home Depot
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.