Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
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What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Cashier: Such a GREAT day…how’s your weekend?
Me: *slides tampons across counter*
Cashier: Nevermind…
Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
I can’t wait!
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.