ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
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Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Welcome
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence