roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
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my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Dads, don’t tell your daughters they are “pretty”. Tell them they’re strong. Tell them they’re smart. Tell them they can’t be prosecuted for theft until they’re 10.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.