Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
You Might Also Like
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
The internet is full of many things
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies