“Can you explain this gap in your employment history?” no <3
ROOMMATE: Hank is coming by later
ME: Cannibal Hank or Pastry-Loving Hank?
[From outside] HEY ANYBODY WANNA EAT A DANISH
ROOMMATE: Yeah I don’t know man
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Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Wife: Did you measure for carpet?
Me: Yeah, from the window
Me: To the wall
A pinata at my funeral so people will be happy.. but filled with bees so they’re not too happy.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?