@Home_Halfway

ROOMMATE: Hank is coming by later
ME: Cannibal Hank or Pastry-Loving Hank?
[From outside] HEY ANYBODY WANNA EAT A DANISH
ROOMMATE: Yeah I don’t know man

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@jil_slander

“Can you explain this gap in your employment history?” no <3

@LadyBlueberry

Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.

@TheSchnizzy

Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!

M: oh nonsense!

W: ok, did you get the cat food?

M: WE HAVE A CAT??

@Ygrene

[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL

@Storminika

The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.

@jimmy_boston

Wife: Did you measure for carpet?
Me: Yeah, from the window
Wife: Don’t
Me: To the wall
Wife: Don’t
Me: tothesweatdripoffmyballs!
*runs*

@fuzzlime

A pinata at my funeral so people will be happy.. but filled with bees so they’re not too happy.

@RocketRankoon

I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.

@itsdhruvism

Me: Ping me when you are free.

Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*

@Home_Halfway

{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?