[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
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Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!