“Mommy does Barbie come with Ken?”
“No sweetie, Barbie comes with GI Joe, she just fakes it with Ken”
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
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“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Can’t sleep? Try calling The Overthinkers Hotline!
For failed past relationships press 1
For why your dad left press 2
For why you’re failing as a parent press 3
For general insecurities about your body and appearance press 4
“Two long necks please”
Giraffe in the back: Wow. Did he just-
Giraffe’s wife: Cliff, he didn’t mean anything by it please sit down
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
“Describe yourself in one word.”