ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
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Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Just finished a show and in need of new entertainment so imma ask the hubs what one thing does he wish he could change about me
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone