[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
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Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.