@RegularFred

[Rorschach test]
Patient: Leprechauns in cheetah print unitards kickflipping over flaming tree stumps
Dr: I think we can skip the others

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@Burnam1

Them: “I hate to be a…”

Me: “Then don’t.”

@EndhooS

GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT

@TheAlexNevil

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.

@ClichedOut

[getting murdered]

me: are u Scottish

murderer: yes

me: then u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

@MartaEffing

Damn boy, are you fresh ground pepper? Coz you’re kinda boring and you’ve been on top of everything.

@KeetPotato

GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”

@vapidaccount

It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.

The more you know.

@HomeProbably

I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.

@AsgardianRose

I’m bored. I’m going to text my ex boyfriends and say “I have to talk to you, it’s important” and then not answer the phone for 6 days.

@gobmentcheese

Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.