[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
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I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.