Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
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Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Great acting.. 😂
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
[sitting on park bench]
homeless guy: I’m so alone
me: okay wow I’m right here
⚠️ Important Reminder:
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.