When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
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Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
if I were Snow White I’d be like, “Holy shit how are these birds dressing me and why do they know how to color coordinate”
OH. COME. ON.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
This day sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
t-shirt is short for “television shirt”
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.