Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack

Jack: 🥶

Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now

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I need a bad ass dress for Friday night. Anybody know where I can find a Forever 41?


WIFE: Remember to check for firmness

ME: When should kids be allowed to date?

TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo

ME: OK this one is good


A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”


I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.


Just spent $243.57 at the grocery store so the check out girl didn’t think I was just buying KY and condoms.


My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁


The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.


If you text me in all CAPS, I will assume we are meeting In the street to fight in the near future.


The creepy Dyson guy is trying to sell me a bagless dream catcher.


*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.

At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”