Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
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Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
somebody come look at this
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle