Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sex]

GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out

I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.

I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.

Haha good job!!

can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant

Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.

Mob boss: fellas, restrain him

me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me

Mob boss: and gag him

coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name

The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?

People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.

But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.

WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know

Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.

“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920

yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist

my dog stole an entire baguette and hid it under her bed so she could eat it in secret and i am only mad bc i did not think of doing that for myself

We do it every night.
Annoy each other.

Understand men, or die trying.

Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.

Or tweet trying, to understand men.

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis

oh u like history? name everything that happened

*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?

Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.

Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”

Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.

Interviewer: Why do you want this job?

Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food

this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa

I didn’t have to shower alone today…..

Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?

Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”

“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.

a depressed madame curie is a sighentist.