Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
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Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying