Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
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Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
I will never stop laughing at this
Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.
Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?
“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.