@Manda_like_wine

Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.

Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.

- @Manda_like_wine

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@ka_waltz

one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar

@OakHill_

– First day of College
– Dorm meeting

Dorm monitor: Any questions guys?

Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??

@JasonLastname

First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.

@AtticusFinch79

[giving a eulogy for my doctor]

ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples

@Reverend_Scott

[first date]

Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.

Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?

Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME

@SamuelHlowe

Oh my God! Honey, the baby just said “Dada!” Wait, why is he using air quotes?

@SamuelHLowe

I bought some super sensitive condoms a few months ago and they won’t stop crying because I don’t use them.

@anerdonfire2

I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom

@CalmTomb

Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”