Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
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Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
The year is 2025. The few survivors of the great plague of 2020 roam the irradiated wastelands of the planet, singing Happy Birthday to themselves constantly. Nobody really remembers why.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read