My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
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If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
This meal prepping shit easy
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Someone just threatened to call me later
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?