@randypaint

rose: yes, i was on the titanic

guy: okay, where is this diamond

rose: first i’m gonna tell u about this boy

guy: can u just tell us where the-

rose: best sex of my life. easily.

You Might Also Like

@Chhapiness

Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes

@walruslifestyle

you cannot glue a tomato back together with tomato paste believe me I’ve tried

@lucky_300

Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..

That’s how the fight started

@Rollmaninoz

*coworker drinks coffee I made them*

Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder

@Senor_LongDong

My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”

@timdonakowski

Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.

@morebees

when someone says ‘your flys down’ it implies that 1) i have a fly and 2) hes having a bad day

@T_Bonezzz

When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier