rose: yes, i was on the titanic

guy: okay, where is this diamond

rose: first i’m gonna tell u about this boy

guy: can u just tell us where the-

rose: best sex of my life. easily.

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Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes


you cannot glue a tomato back together with tomato paste believe me I’ve tried


Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..

That’s how the fight started


*coworker drinks coffee I made them*

Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder


My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”


Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.


when someone says ‘your flys down’ it implies that 1) i have a fly and 2) hes having a bad day


When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier