Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
rose: yes, i was on the titanic
guy: okay, where is this diamond
rose: first i’m gonna tell u about this boy
guy: can u just tell us where the-
rose: best sex of my life. easily.
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Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
you cannot glue a tomato back together with tomato paste believe me I’ve tried
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..
That’s how the fight started
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
when someone says ‘your flys down’ it implies that 1) i have a fly and 2) hes having a bad day
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier