If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
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Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
the official breakfast of 2021
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun