Roses are niggas. Violets are niggas. I’m Lil Wayne, And niggas ryhmes with niggas.

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I have a male dead set on getting into my pants. It’s the cat and my knickers drawer, but still.


Sorry I poked you all over your body, but I was just looking for the off button.


ME: What’s your favorite movie?
DATE: Girl Interupt-
ME: *drops fork* What is it?
DATE: Girl Interu-
ME: *burps* Sorry. Go on.
DATE: Fargo


*pulled over by cop*

Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?

*tags cop*

Me: You’re it!


Me running away: Renewed!


*Do not consume if seal is broken*

I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.


Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat


85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon


*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*


Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.


3yo: I want to help!

Me: You can help by being quiet.



3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!