@WorkaholicBlake

Roses are niggas. Violets are niggas. I’m Lil Wayne, And niggas ryhmes with niggas.

You Might Also Like

@NotOnTheMoors

I have a male dead set on getting into my pants. It’s the cat and my knickers drawer, but still.

@AzahelZamora

Sorry I poked you all over your body, but I was just looking for the off button.

@Sickayduh

ME: What’s your favorite movie?
DATE: Girl Interupt-
ME: *drops fork* What is it?
DATE: Girl Interu-
ME: *burps* Sorry. Go on.
DATE: Fargo

@BrandonVine

*pulled over by cop*

Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?

*tags cop*

Me: You’re it!

Cop:

Me running away: Renewed!

@DosieDoe

*Do not consume if seal is broken*

I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.

@IntergalacticQ

Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat

@stats_canada

85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon

@TheBeerGuy_

*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*

@Ivsy01

Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.

@ParentNormal

3yo: I want to help!

Me: You can help by being quiet.

3yo:

Me:

3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!