I have a male dead set on getting into my pants. It’s the cat and my knickers drawer, but still.
Roses are niggas. Violets are niggas. I’m Lil Wayne, And niggas ryhmes with niggas.
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Sorry I poked you all over your body, but I was just looking for the off button.
ME: What’s your favorite movie?
DATE: Girl Interupt-
ME: *drops fork* What is it?
DATE: Girl Interu-
ME: *burps* Sorry. Go on.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
Me: You’re it!
Me running away: Renewed!
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!