One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
You Might Also Like
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
E
E
E
E
E
e
e
e
e
e
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there