Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
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Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.