@AndrewsNotFunny

Roses are red,
Daisies are free.

I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.

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@realfunghi

Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.

Murder suspect: Me?

Me: Ahah, so you confess!

@wittwitbarista

You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.

@Samiam556

Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫

@PopeAwesomeXIII

Top Gun is a Christmas movie.

There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose

@AimeeHelene1

Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.

@handokotjung

How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight

3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.

@man_spach

My car ran out of gas in a trailer park and now I have the most expensive home in the neighborhood.

@LnL245

If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.

@notmythirdrodeo

when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.

now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks

@DannyZuker

If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.