Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.

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Eating Doritos and watching Judge Judy in my underpants.

Whoa! Dude!

Why is Judge Judy in my house? And why is she wearing my underpants??


[A-ha rehearsal]
“Here’s the lyric: Take On Me.”
“What about Take Me On?”
[4 hrs of arguing later]
“Ok we’ll say both. Now let’s get perms.”


When I see couples madly in love, I just assume they met yesterday.


High maintenance? Is that when you get stoned and fix random shit around the house?


doctor: [handing me my new born baby] I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it
me: [handing baby back to him] bring me the one my wife made


[intermittent fasting]

me: ok this isn’t that bad

[12 hours later]

me: hello dominos it’s me again can u have terry stop by the ice cream store on his way here


if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”


Paid a mime fifty bucks to follow me around for a day and do the jerk off motion every time I speak.


Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.