Eating Doritos and watching Judge Judy in my underpants.
Why is Judge Judy in my house? And why is she wearing my underpants??
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
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“Here’s the lyric: Take On Me.”
“What about Take Me On?”
[4 hrs of arguing later]
“Ok we’ll say both. Now let’s get perms.”
When I see couples madly in love, I just assume they met yesterday.
High maintenance? Is that when you get stoned and fix random shit around the house?
doctor: [handing me my new born baby] I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it
me: [handing baby back to him] bring me the one my wife made
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
me: ok this isn’t that bad
[12 hours later]
me: hello dominos it’s me again can u have terry stop by the ice cream store on his way here
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
Paid a mime fifty bucks to follow me around for a day and do the jerk off motion every time I speak.
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.