Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
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Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
BaD BoY!!
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
can’t wait til they legalize outside
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Well, my evening plans are ruined
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.