You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
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On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
7 years ago i joined twitter dot com to keep up with one direction on x-factor and now i’m a communist
An issue that will unite all Americans
Friend: How come you didn’t come to my babyshower?
Me: Oh I’m sorry but I passed away.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Playboy: We’re going to take the naked ladies out of our magazine!
Men: You know we were kidding about reading the articles, right?
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.