@BEEAAARR

Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.

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@MunkMania

You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.

@JasonLastname

On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.

@Tommytoughstuff

[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”

@sadengels

7 years ago i joined twitter dot com to keep up with one direction on x-factor and now i’m a communist

@JohnnyCrash5

Friend: How come you didn’t come to my babyshower?
Me: Oh I’m sorry but I passed away.

@tastefactory

I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”

@daemonic3

[robbing Whole Foods]

“All the cash in a bag NOW!”

100% organic reusable bag ok?

“Yes!”

[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag

@better_off_dad

Playboy: We’re going to take the naked ladies out of our magazine!

Men: You know we were kidding about reading the articles, right?

@Social_Mime

I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.