Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
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Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
…żyje?
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir