Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.

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You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.


On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.


[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”


7 years ago i joined twitter dot com to keep up with one direction on x-factor and now i’m a communist


Friend: How come you didn’t come to my babyshower?
Me: Oh I’m sorry but I passed away.


I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”


[robbing Whole Foods]

“All the cash in a bag NOW!”

100% organic reusable bag ok?


[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag


Playboy: We’re going to take the naked ladies out of our magazine!

Men: You know we were kidding about reading the articles, right?


I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.