My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Roses are red.
My name is not Dave.
This poem makes no sense.
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Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Thanks for being here right on time.
We’ll see you in a few hours.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
Online relationships – For when you want to be disappointed by imaginary people, too.
i want to marry someone as funny as me. imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
“You should’ve seen the other guy” I say as I lay in the hospital with 2 broken legs and a black eye. “He was so much better at fighting”