Roses are red.

My name is not Dave.

This poem makes no sense.


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My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place


Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.


I have two selves:

One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.


Thanks for being here right on time.
We’ll see you in a few hours.

– Doctors


I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.


[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)

ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*


Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions

Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?


Online relationships – For when you want to be disappointed by imaginary people, too.


i want to marry someone as funny as me. imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school


“You should’ve seen the other guy” I say as I lay in the hospital with 2 broken legs and a black eye. “He was so much better at fighting”