@TheComedyHumor

Roses are red.

My name is not Dave.

This poem makes no sense.

Microwave.

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@ShortSleeveSuit

My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place

@weinerdog4life

Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.

@LoveNLunchmeat

I have two selves:

One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.

@kcmoore51

Thanks for being here right on time.
We’ll see you in a few hours.

– Doctors

@Social_Mime

I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.

@RCKruseKontrol

[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)

ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*

@KimmyMonte

Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions

Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?

@JaneBadall

Online relationships – For when you want to be disappointed by imaginary people, too.

@germanndasavage

i want to marry someone as funny as me. imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school

@Barknado69

“You should’ve seen the other guy” I say as I lay in the hospital with 2 broken legs and a black eye. “He was so much better at fighting”