Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
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It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
Proofread twice, hang posters once
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.