[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
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sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
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Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
“You can’t build your own man.” They told me. But they underestimate my low standards. And my shopping cart full of luncheon meats.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE