Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
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Why is it spelled camouflage and not
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
If my body was covered entirely in eyeballs, I still couldn’t look at you enough.
*me being romantic*
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
whole milk is 100% milk. 2% milk is 2% milk and 98% also milk. skim milk is 0% milk but somehow also 100% milk. hope this helps
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio