My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
You Might Also Like
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
I dig my own Grave.
Adds Inter-ior designer to Resume.
“I love all quilts, regardless of quality.” – blanket statement
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Me: Cowabunga, douche!