@M3lissaMcDonald

Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.

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@LostFelicia

My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.

@obijawn

Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me

@girlnarly

[first day as a hairdresser]

customer: can you take off a foot?

me: *sharpening axe* no problem

@TheGladStork

When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes.

@markydoodoo

my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away

@peteholmez

“I love all quilts, regardless of quality.” – blanket statement

@KeetPotato

wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”

@LorieGZ

Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

@LaceyNycole

Guy: Are you pregnant?

Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.

Guy: …..

Me: Cowabunga, douche!