Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
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Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
My 4yo refers to any time in the past as ‘last years ago’ which is about as accurate as when I say ‘the other day’.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
listen closely
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.