roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
You Might Also Like
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.