roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who

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HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking

ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol


[samurai kindergarten]
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.


My wife googled “when is it safe to leave a child at home alone” and now she won’t let me stay home alone.


If a cannibal kills me he better have the right kind of Zip-loc bags! If I get tossed out because of freezer burn I’m going to be pissed!


Trying to decide who to leave my middle fingers to when I die.


Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways


Killing someone with kindness is one way to prove you expect nothing in return for your kindness.


Interviewer: what’s your current salary?

Me: zero. That’s why I’m here. Is this your first interview?


4: “Mom, I’m gonna be just like you when I grow up and say bad words and eat French fries two at a time.”