Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
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I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
This a good idea
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Pregnant women are full of ‘compressed heir’
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.