Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
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Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
That was easy.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Peace was never an option
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.