Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more

I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!

Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.

How much for the vacation home?

Sir, this is a coffin.

(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board

me: i have a doctorate in mathematics

flight attendant: this man is dying

me: minus one

Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.

I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.

LMAO.

[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?

Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.

I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.

[first day at seminary]

PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices

ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns

PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*

My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.

Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die

yeah no that’s fair

My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.

I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.

Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.

Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.

Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.

Me: I don’t think this is going to work

Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people

M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under

When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.

her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?

[street fight]

Come at me bro!!

*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles

*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away

Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?

Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.

Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.

2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth

When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.