Roses are red
Violets are blue…
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My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
I bet my doctor wasn’t expecting to say “Sir, that is not a toy” so many times today.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit