Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
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I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.