Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.

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[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it


Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser


Interviewer: [extends arm] hello

Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello


Dentist: How often do you floss?

Dracula: Every day

Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.

Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.


Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.


Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade


It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.


The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and coolnnNothing at all like us…