@FabMommy29

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.

- @FabMommy29

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@stephenjmolloy

Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”

@MatCro

“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.

@kellyoxford

I bet most braille on public signs says: “How did you know this was here?”

@living_marble

It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.

@JustDontBugMe

[First Date]

M: Hi!

Him: Hi, I’m Chandler, I make jokes when I’m uncomfortable.

M: Oh really? *winks*

H: You look beautiful today.

@LorieGZ

Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

@stevemarriott

I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back

@SpaceCatPics

“removed the top of my desk for cleaning. cat did not understand”

@alrulz2009

If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.

@AmnesiaRose

I wish I had the confidence to
just randomly sit on people and start bathing myself like my cat does.