@FabMommy29

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.

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@ElleOhHell

[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it

@SortaBad

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser

@pleatedjeans

Interviewer: [extends arm] hello

Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello

@TheToddWilliams

Dentist: How often do you floss?

Dracula: Every day

Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.

Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.

@dhumann

Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.

@ronnui_

Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade

@Izianikapani

It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.

@Token_Geezer

The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and coolnnNothing at all like us…