Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.

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Her: I have a marathon coming.

Me: Ooh, which show?


I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast


I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.


Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.


It’s like my doctor always says “holy shit, you’re still alive?”


*gets sentenced to 25 years in prison*

*opens twitter app*

*looks up*

*being released*



“Can you hold scissors?”


“Welcome to SuperCuts”


Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.


Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.