Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
You Might Also Like
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
It’s like my doctor always says “holy shit, you’re still alive?”
*gets sentenced to 25 years in prison*
*opens twitter app*
“Can you hold scissors?”
“Welcome to SuperCuts”
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Child: What about-
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
Take a deep breath.
– Respirational Tweet