@FabMommy29

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.

You Might Also Like

@RdrJay47

Her: I have a marathon coming.

Me: Ooh, which show?

@darinlovesbacon

I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast

@JustMeTurtle

I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.

@AaronFullerton

Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.

@DaddyJew

It’s like my doctor always says “holy shit, you’re still alive?”

@MrAdamBez

*gets sentenced to 25 years in prison*

*opens twitter app*

*looks up*

*being released*

@wickedimproper

Interview:

“Can you hold scissors?”

“yes”

“Welcome to SuperCuts”

@WheelTod

Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.

@RodLacroix

Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.