Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
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My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
If you know, you know 😂🚔
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!