Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
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yeet
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
this is me
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.
ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Why am I like this?
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?