Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
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What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!