Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
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*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that