roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
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Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Isn’t
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’