roses are red

violets are blue

the jerk store called

theyre running out of you

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I’m good at making friends.

Wait, that’s not right.

Correction: I’m good at making friends up.


If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.


I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.


Me: I’m 35.
Guy on twitter who is also 35: That’s ok I like older women.


The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.


– Are you excited sir?
– Yes! I’m gonna feed whales & pet dolphins!
– Sir, this flight is going to Finland
– That’s like Seaworld, right?


Stabbed myself in the eye with a yellow pen and now everything looks all Instagramy.


I was about to commit suicide, but then a Nicki Minaj song came on the radio — so I committed suicide twice.


“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef