@Cravin4
@suntzufuntzu
YELLOW HIPPO: (whispering to red hippo) I’m not your enemy. Marble scarcity is a myth spread by humans to turn us against each other.
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@suntzufuntzu
@climaxximus
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
@Rollinintheseat
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
@pajaritosimpson
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but raccoons are terrible in bed.
@thestlouisan
[Delivery room]
Her: I was thinking we could call him Rob
Me: If we’re naming him after felonies, why not just call him Arson, Linda?!
@AbbyHasIssues
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
@jonnysun
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
@T_Bonezzz_
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
@mohunnnid
direct deposit: $1400
me at Nike: you do it.
@ewfeez
Showed my daughter “The Karate Kid” and now she’ll happily do any manual labor if I just tell her we are “training.”