Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
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No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
I really had high hopes for this year though
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”