@leftarmisme

Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two

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@heybuddy_comic

boss: teamwork is very important

workers: [unionize]

boss: not like that

@AmericanGent69

{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.

Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate

@MarfSalvador

[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!

me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats

@MariyaAlexander

Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.

@pittdave13

Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it

@WyldViolet

Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.

@jonnysun

if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost

@Mouthy_

Three people I never mess with:n1- PMSing women.n2- Truck drivers.n3- PMSing truck drivers.

@DaddyJew

Me: sleep before the monsters get you

7: monsters aren’t real

M: you sound like your brother

7: brother?

M: I’ve said too much already

@PostCultRev

Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.