@leftarmisme
@heybuddy_comic
boss: teamwork is very important
workers: [unionize]
boss: not like that
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@heybuddy_comic
@AmericanGent69
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
@MarfSalvador
[desert island]
me: look!
wife: what?
me: a boat!
wife: HEEEEEELP!me: *writing* day 287, she’s still afraid of boats
@MariyaAlexander
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
@pittdave13
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
@WyldViolet
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
@jonnysun
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
@Mouthy_
Three people I never mess with:n1- PMSing women.n2- Truck drivers.n3- PMSing truck drivers.
@DaddyJew
Me: sleep before the monsters get you
7: monsters aren’t real
M: you sound like your brother
7: brother?
M: I’ve said too much already
@PostCultRev
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.