@leftarmisme
@IncrediblyRich If Bob The Builder’s slogan is “Can he fix it?” then he’s not really a builder is he? More of a repairman.
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@IncrediblyRich 
@onion_an Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
@moose_chocolate Autocorrect changed “you’re so wise” to “you’re so wide”, and now I need to find a good hiding spot before my wife comes home.
@TheHyyyype me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
@Brentweets “Hi doc!”
“Hi! What is that behind your ear?”
“Nice try, too old for the coin trick”
“No it’s a tumor”
“Oh my god”
“Kidding it’s a quarter”
@NYC_Blonde A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
@CoolCamel69 *pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
@4SLars [Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
@djdarrellripley Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
@nicfit75 My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.