@leftarmisme

Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two

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@IncrediblyRich

If Bob The Builder’s slogan is “Can he fix it?” then he’s not really a builder is he? More of a repairman.

@onion_an

Therapist: What’s the problem?

Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things

Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan

@moose_chocolate

Autocorrect changed “you’re so wise” to “you’re so wide”, and now I need to find a good hiding spot before my wife comes home.

@TheHyyyype

me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house

son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me

me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books

@Brentweets

“Hi doc!”
“Hi! What is that behind your ear?”
“Nice try, too old for the coin trick”
“No it’s a tumor”
“Oh my god”
“Kidding it’s a quarter”

@NYC_Blonde

A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die

@CoolCamel69

*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes

@4SLars

[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.

@djdarrellripley

Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.

Him: Well, how’d you do that?

Me: I kept my mouth shut..

@nicfit75

My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.