Roses are red
Xanax is blue
When one just won’t work
Go ahead and take two
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You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Friend: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for 2 days?
Me: I think that’s a myth.
Friend: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.