*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
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waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth