Banderslack Clamberdorch
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Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Genie: One wish left
Me: I wish I was cool
Genie: Your wish is granted
⛄️: Wait not like this
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.