Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
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I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily