*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*

Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?

Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT

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Nothing sadder than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table and they realize it’s lettuce.


At the ripe old age of 900, in a universe inhabited by thousands of alien races, I bet Yoda had some pretty racist shit to say.


What’s it called when it’s 9:20am and you can’t wait for dinner?

Oh, it’s called fat. Nevermind.


”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!


That ends your training. You’re now a GameStop employee. Any questions?

“What do I do if a girl comes in”

Err *boss scrambles thru manual*


Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”


“What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?” Officer, “Keep it, when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle.”


[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar


cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: because the police force is designed to protect the wealthy

cop: there’s a man in your trunk

me: yea a rich man